Esquire magazine recently published a list called “60 Things Worth Shortening Your Life For.” I found a link to it on boingboing.net. I read it. It’s pretty stupid, and mostly contains food you shouldn’t eat as well as other gems like punching Barry Bonds in the face and playing tackle football past the age of 25. There is a five-point section about “The five most decadent burgers in the United States of America.” Three of those five burgers can be found in the northeast: New York City, Manchester, CT, and Clearfield, PA. One can be found in Memphis. And the fifth can be found in St. Louis. Essentially, according to the fine editors at Esquire, all five of the most decadent burgers in the U.S.A. can be found east of the Mississippi river.
I don’t usually write letters to the editor. Everybody has an opinion, and we all know what opinions are like. However, on this occasion . . . I don’t know what came over me. I dashed the following off and quick sent it to Esquire:
1. The idea that all five of our country’s most decadent burgers can be found east of the Mississippi is a slap in the face of cattle country. Perhaps you’d like to visit Nebraska or Wyoming sometime and eat some beef that doesn’t have to be dressed with 7 different things in order for it to taste good.
2. It is obvious that none of you has ever attempted to teach public high school, for if you had, you wouldn’t have put those silly burgers on the list in the first place.
I got a response the other day: They’ll be publishing it in their July issue.
In my humble experience, the people who write on behalf of “Americans” have never been south of the Mason-Dixon line, nor have they been west of the Mississippi – except when they are skiing or shopping on Rodeo Drive.
Way to set them straight, Shawn.
I’m proud of you.
How ap pro po that this comes on the day after the anniversary of the Louisianna Purchase. In which, Jefferson acquired the rights to French lands actually owned by no one. A lessor known clause in the LP also permits the use of that land to produce decadent burgers with a side of potatoes. Hence the discovery of French Fries, public domain rights and the American Tennat of paying for something that was free, but we really just wanted a receipt for proof of purchase in order to claim a deduction on our 1040 Schedule ‘Stolen Goods’.