solving for x

Last week at work, I wrote 100 blurbs. That, of course, is nothing–Our good man LeCroque had to write upwards of 300 of them. Regardless, I wrote 100, one-sentence descriptions for 100 different products in the following format:

Product X boasts air-cleaning as well as carpet-cleaning capabilities.

It was that simple. Unsurprisingly, every single blurb ended up sounding much like every other single blurb, despite the fact that they were all different. There is no harm in that–they say every snowflake is unique, but when you place millions of unique snowflakes (or in this case: hundreds and blurbs) together in the same place . . . well, you get the idea.

After writing 100 blurbs, it occurred to me that despite the vanilla-ness of the output, or perhaps because of the output’s nowhere-ness, I couldn’t let such a tasty (I love vanilla) writing exercise go to waste. I therefore present to you, here in this rocket to nowhere blog, one quarter of the blurbs I wrote. They have been stripped of their subjects, and I urge you to replace the lost subjects for your own amusement. For instance, in the sentence

X offers digitally controlled, radiant elements embedded in glass-ceramic

the variable X could be replaced with “Bruce’s love for his son,” or “Bad milk,” or even “Jennifer Lopez.” Think of it as adding mutant arms to snowflakes or something. If you’d like to send me your solutions for X, I would be happy to publish them.

Here then, are the rest:

X combines power with environmentally friendly emission control.
X boasts eight different grind settings and a sleek, retro look.
X boasts internal bracing and golf ball design to reduce cabinet resonance and turbulence.
X boasts the innovation of year-round indoor barbecue.
X boasts a powerful motor to both press and extract juice.
X offers the power and portability to complete lots of household chores.
X cures lawn envy by providing high-tech, pro-grade performance at a reasonable price.
X boasts the ability to switch easily from blower to vacuum with the flip of a switch.
X offers powerful wind tunnel technology, cyclonic action, and HEPA filtering.
X combines several discrete components to create one powerful system.
X features a low-profile for head clearance and maximum air movement.
X offers four extra inches of running surface and a variable degree of cushioning.
X features high-carbon, no-stain, ice-hardened steel.
X destroys the guilt of running a partially full dishwasher.
X cleans any fiber-based furnishings you own from large to very small.
X has five, rotating, intermeshing, spin’n'scrub brushes.
X is solid, but folds and stores easily.
X boasts comfortable weight distribution.
X features an inexpensive differential feed.
X grows and changes with your child from infancy through toddlerhood.
X features dual motors for suction and filtration.
X creates a fun and simple way to serve delicious chocolate fondue.
X delivers 100 watts into six channels.