rocket to nowhere

10:15 a.m. – 12:14 p.m.

You are savory and delicious, made out of the most desirable and yummy stuff. That which makes things taste good is reconstituted within you, and amplified—liquefied! You have no detractors; everyone loves you. There is nothing in the world that matches the level of comfort you provide. Just look at those tasty lumps! Filled with delectable morsels, you improve anything through simple contact. Sadly, no amount of oatmeal can prevent the massive, fatal coronary which will inevitably follow said contact.

8:15 a.m. – 10:14 a.m.

Your devotion to your own feces is what makes you efficient. And clean.
Clean and efficient.

6:15 a.m. – 8:14 a.m.

The extra roll of toilet paper in your bathroom is covered by the skirts of a Southern Belle doll. The needlepoint pillow on your couch shows a kitten hanging from a branch and the caption, “Hang in there!” You decided that one day the right person would come along and you would just “know.” You may or may not have a magnet on your refrigerator that reads, “A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.” You buy greeting cards for no particular reason. You are smiling right now. Your cheeks hurt. You are convinced everything is just fine.

4:15 a.m. – 6:14 a.m.

You are green. You are nutritious. You are roughage. You are good with senior citizens, but not so good with children. You look like a tree, but are more easily felled. You are particularly tasty when covered with melted cheese.

2:15 a.m. – 4:14 a.m.

You are stylish, social, and effete. You ride the crest of the wave of any particular fashion, discerning it before it swells, and discarding it before it breaks. You are a simpering fop, not particularly athletic or of great physical stature, but to disregard you is to underestimate your insidious talents. Your weapon is not the sword, but the bon mot and the girlish titter. You are witty, cruel, and conniving. You find and exploit weaknesses in emotion, intelligence, or social standings. You perceive the complexities of social interaction incredibly acutely—so much so that you become incredibly listless and bored around those who speak or act plainly. Intrigue and politics are the venue in which you were clearly bred to thrive. Failure in your endeavors to do so is not an option to you, especially because such a venue is filled with individuals of a similar disposition to you, and they would eat you alive at any sign of weakness, just as you would them.

12:15 a.m. – 2:14 a.m.

You are obtuse and stubborn to a fault. Nothing ever pleases you. Quick to anger, you are nevertheless incredibly lazy. Even in the most dire of circumstances, you insist on lying dormant, dreaming of your inevitable raging vengeance.

After a much too long and perhaps overly dramatic pause in posting here at rocket to nowhere, I am pleased to announce that activity is resuming.

Over the next several weeks, this blog will be presenting a New Zodiac (created by yours truly and my good friend big jesus) based on the hours of the day rather than the lunar month or the Chinese year.

A great deal of time and research has gone into this project (hence the much too long and perhaps overly dramatic pause in posting), and we have found that the time of day in which a person is born is just as (if not more) important to their psychic make-up than the position of the stars. We have also found that one rotation of the Earth on her axis is comprised of twelve, two-hour segments, each of which is represented by an archetype that describes the primary characteristics of a person born in that time-frame.

We hope you will find the fruits of our labors as enlightening as we did and do. We also hope that as we present this new Zodiac, you (our Dear Readers) will grace us with your thoughts on it. Please, tell us what time you were born; share with us stories that highlight your connection to your archetype; point out where we might (maybe) be able to massage this New Zodiac into a better fit with the world it represents. It is our hope that this New Zodiac will eventually be a beacon to all peoples everywhere–a beacon that shines a light on why we’re all so incredibly fucked up.

Thank you.

Tomorrow: The Stone God–12:15 a.m. – 2:14 a.m.