the email I’d like to write at work

From: sh
To: social
cc:
Subject: I’m selling some things

I’m selling off some things I have collected over my lifetime. I have them in my cube if anyone is interested. I will deliver to the LW building if necessary (although, the way you people act as though we don’t exist over here, I don’t know why the hell I should go out of my way).

All prices are TBD (to be determined). Some of these items could be considered priceless, so please don’t insult me by lowballing–offer me what you think the item is worth, and we’ll work from there.

1. Collected and created over a lifetime: 13 pieces of pocket lint arranged to look like the Last Supper (the Judas lint has a red top!).

2. Three sex-ed filmstrips produced in the 1970s: “What’s Happening to Me, Am I Dying?” “From Raggedy Ann to the Rag” and “The Hair Down There” (Sorry, these are just the filmstrips, all of the attendant cassette tapes were either lost or burned years ago.).

3. Several “Tuberculosis Tissues”: paper tissues with blood spots drawn on them, many by prominent local art school students!

4. A hernia truss (I think it belonged to my grandfather).

5. 77 dried seahorses mounted on unsanded, unvarnished, untreated knotty pine (you’ll want to be careful when picking this beauty up, I knocked five seahorses off when bringing it in this morning, and am still picking splinters out of my hands).

6. A jar of Ava Gardner’s toe-jam, collected by the Chairman of the Board himself (ostensibly).

7. A box of coupons (many of these are collectors items since the businesses they came from no longer exist!).

8. 127 movie posters from Disney’s The Mighty Ducks (that Emilio Estevez sure is a cutie!).

9. Transcripts from the last seven years of weekly, Sunday afternoon calls made to my mother.

10. Miscellaneous underwear.

Hurry and snap these items up before someone else does! They’re bound to move quickly! Call me or send me an email if you’re interested. My extension is x3254.

Thanks!

sh