rocket to nowhere

but it’s not as nice as looking in your eyes

He hefted the toaster to eye-level and exclaimed that it, in fact, was the lost toaster of Coco Vaehn. After then safely securing the toaster away somewhere the guests would never guess to look or even think to look, he told this story:

Coco Vaehn had been an exceedingly vain woman. Born to poor, ugly idiots somewhere in the Great Smoky Mountains, she declared at a very early age her desire to escape the tawdry tawdriness of her parents’ lives and find her fortune in the big city (NYC). Since she was exceptionally beautiful and mature at the age of 14, she was able to achieve her goal relatively easily: she passed herself off as 26, hitched a ride into NYC (providing proper “payment” along the way), and once in the city, married a string of wealthy but ageing men. Each of her husbands met his end somewhat mysteriously, but nary a shred of proof was ever presented against Coco herself.

As she neared 50 years of age, and the eventual demise of husband number 8, her looks began to fail her. Already wealthy beyond her wildest dreams (she had, in fact, paid to have her tawdry, stupid, ugly, and poor parents put out of their tawdry misery, their home bulldozed, the rubble burned, and the earth around the fire salted), she devoted the rest of her life to enhancing her fading looks through surgery and finding the perfect mirror. She found the perfect mirror, and disfigured herself beyond recognition through surgery. Shortly before her 75th birthday, however, her perfect mirror was stolen (it is believed by one of the newer members of her staff who misunderstood the objects’ actual worth, confusing that with the worth placed upon it by Coco Vaehn). Ms. Vaehn spent 9 long months searching for her perfect mirror, and, unable to locate it through detection, persuasion, or force, gave up her search and the ghost.

The mirror remained hidden for 34 years. (He paused in his story and wiped his brow, which had begun to glisten.) However (he went on), after decades of research, months spent in dank basements and vermin-infested attics, sifting through crumbling papers, peering at faded photographs, I found it! And not only did I find it, but I can trace its lineage all the way back to Coco Vaehn herself!!!

At this point, a Ms. Poh-Tay-Toh felt it necessary to interrupt the obviously overexcited man with a cry of, “What, the toaster?!”

version 1:

Oh, come now, come now, you can’t possibly expect me to believe that– Relative to every other every, there’s a–there’s a– No, not at all–no, at all, no. Even when you can’t speak (especially when you can’t speak), it’s just that–well, it’s just that I– Right, I’ve never reconsidered even one single– You must believe me if I say, if I should say–

No, not at all–no, at all, no. If I should say–if perhaps I should maybe say–if perhaps– No, all of it, you should–all of it–yes–each and every last– Jump, you intoned–jump now. And what did I say–what was it I said?

Even if I might say–or even perhaps if you might, because you might, mightn’t you–mightn’t you say? Laughter, lust, and like are like–and then are also like–but still, come now, come now–now– Funny, isn’t it, that I might say, and it might be said by–funny that it might be–isn’t it–said?

version 2:

Jump, you intoned–jump now. Even when you can’t speak (especially when you can’t speak), it’s just that–well, it’s just that I– No, not at all–no, at all, no. No, not at all–no, at all, no. If I should say–if perhaps I should maybe say–if perhaps– Funny, isn’t it, that I might say, and it might be said by–funny that it might be–isn’t it–said? Even if I might say–or even perhaps if you might, because you might, mightn’t you–mightn’t you say? Relative to every other every, there’s a–there’s a–

No, all of it, you should–all of it–yes–each and every last– And what did I say–what was it I said? You must believe me if I say, if I should say– Laughter, lust, and like are like–and then are also like–but still, come now, come now–now– Oh, come now, come now, you can’t possibly expect me to believe that– Right, I’ve never reconsidered even one single–

The roadmap is as follows. To start off with, we motivate the need. We disprove the emulation of evolutionary programming. We now introduce an architecture for arguing that logic can be made permutable, amphibious, and electronic [13]. We believe that each component of our framework allows authenticated epistemologies, independent of all other components. This may or may not actually hold in reality.

Reality aside, we would like to deploy a model for how our framework might behave in theory. Obviously, the framework that our framework uses is solidly grounded in reality [22]. This is instrumental to the success of our work.

After several weeks of onerous optimizing, we finally have a working implementation [24]. It is continuously an unfortunate ambition but always conflicts with the need to provide the producer-consumer problem to electrical engineers [27].

Theorists added support for our system [32]. We note that other researchers have tried and failed to enable this functionality. We could not have anticipated the impact; our work here inherits from previous work. For example, many applications simulate simulated annealing. Given these trivial configurations, we achieved non-trivial results.

Along these same lines, the data in Figure 3, in particular, proves that four years of hard work were wasted on this project [37]. Operator error alone cannot account for these results. Note the heavy tail in Figure 3, exhibiting muted 10th-percentile hit ratio.

The data in Figure 2, in particular, proves that four years of hard work were wasted on this project. Note the heavy tail in Figure 2, exhibiting improved energy. Note how rolling them out rather than deploying them in the wild [34] produce less jagged, more reproducible results.

A recent unpublished undergraduate dissertation motivated a similar idea for the construction of red-black trees [33]. Our heuristic also creates the location-identity split, and also caches atomic methodologies, but without all the unnecessary complexity, but without all the unnecessary complexity.

We solved all of the obstacles inherent in the existing work. Unfortunately, these methods are entirely orthogonal to our efforts.

Our architecture for enabling collaborative theory is famously significant. We plan to make our methodology available.

Finally, we conclude [42]

__________

[13] H. Wang, R. Hamming, R. Maruyama, H. Miller, and M. Gayson, “Wearable, introspective algorithms,” in Proceedings of the UNISEX Security Conference, May 2002.

[22] M. Martinez, “Deconstructing thin clients,” in Proceedings of the Workshop on Stochastic, Lossless Epistemologies, Sept. 1996.

[24] J. Naylor, “Deployment of the Turing machine,” in Proceedings of the Conference on Flexible, Trainable Methodologies, Mar. 1995.

[27] J. Smith, “The effect of stochastic epistemologies on theory,” OCD, vol. 13, pp. 45–53, Sept. 1999.

[32] Y. Zhao and A. Nehru, “Highly-available archetypes,” in Proceedings of the Conference on Permutable Symmetries, July 2001.

[33] H. Levy, “Deployment of red-black trees,” NTT Technical Review, vol. 42, pp. 45–55, Mar. 2005.

[34] M. F. Kaashoek and K. Williams, “Omniscient modalities for linked lists,” Journal of Automated Reasoning, vol. 373, pp. 50–68, Jan. 2004.

[37] J. Hartmanis, P. Sato, J. Naylor, G. Thomas, S. Huelle, and R. Agarwal, “Deconstructing architecture with Birdie,” in Proceedings of PLOP, Nov. 1996.

[42] S. Huelle, “How I went about creating this post,” in The Comments Section, Apr. 2005

morning glories try
to open wider than they
should, but it’s too late

Probably, but I’m only saying probably, not surely or definitely or certainly or even absolutely, but probably right before the myoclonic jerk. All at once I was stumbling, falling, or similar and subsequently woke up again, safe, I suppose, by my bed with my sheets and my blankets and my pillows and my— Under the bed, that’s where I keep it, or kept it, or keep it because I suppose it’s still there, I mean I haven’t moved it. Let me ask you a question.
Is you listening to me? See, I think that’s the issue right there really, really that’s the issue right there.
During the night, like I said, with my eyes closed and sleep nearing and then kabam! jerked out of sleep and subsequently bed as though I had fallen off a cliff and bounced off the mattress onto my feet where I stood perplexed standing there suddenly, eyes open, heart beating soundly, breathing—but before that, before all that there was— Even then, yes, but that’s what I’m trying, I mean here trying with, but, yes, but before the jerk, before I’m saying it was, yes the, yes the jerk I know, but before— Are you even listening to what I’m—no, I know, when I first seen it, I pretty near died laughing—listening to what I’m saying, cuz I’m pretty sure I’m saying it, aren’t I saying it? Don’t just—I mean, the answer probably lies somewhere in the very above, if not more than once; and given some sort of logic (not exactly defined by or within the supraliminal, but not exactly not, you know, but close), but once, just once, could be more than a single choice, couldn’t it?

• How many Vikings can you fit in a barrel?

• Depends on the size of the barrel.

• . . . eh?

• That partic’lar model’ll fitcha ’bout 75 to 100 full-size Vikings depending on howya stack ‘em.

• Yep, yep, but I got them kinda Vikins with them horny hats, is that gonna raise a fuss?

• Well y’see here, tek-nik-ly yer standard issue Viking never wore him nunna them fancy horned hats. That thar is an invention of the arts y’might say, used t’make yer standard Viking a little more sexy t’the general pop’lace. I mean, who don’t like him a horned hat? However, an’ I regret t’inform you of this, but wutcha got yerself there’s a whole passel’a fake Vikings. I hope y’didn’t pay too dern much for’m, cuz you been took.

• Well, piss on a cat’s ass, how am I supposed to shoot my movie now? What am I supposed to send over Niagra, a barrell full of Cherokee injuns? That don’t make a damn bit of sense, now do it?

• Well, why didncha say you wuz shootin’ a moovee? Didncha hear me say jes a minnit ago that them horned hat Vikings wuz a creation of the arts? If you’s creatin’ a moovin’ pitcher, you gots exactly whutcha need now dontcha? An’ so dontcha want ‘em to raise a fuss? Ain’t that whut Vikings’s sposed to do? Garsh, if’n I worn’t so derned polite, I might say you been a-wastin’ my time here. You wanna buy the barrel or no?

• I’ll give you three bones.

• Whut kinda bones?

• Femurs and the like. The Vikings had them. I don’t ask questshuns.

• Human ‘r animal?

• Well, due to their whiteness and length and such, I’m gonna go ‘head n’ say human.

• They got iny special magickal properties ‘r anithin? I mean, this’s a pretty damn big barrell we’s talking ’bout here, and yer only offerin’ me five of them bones. I gots kids to feed ‘n clothe, mah friend.

• Goddamnit I said three bones, and if you got kiddies worryin’ ya, hit em on the head with one of these goddamn big bear bones until they stop yammerin’. I mean . . .

Overt is maybe not the best way. Really, but subtlety is probably best left to the professionals. No one knows what you’re talking about. Even I know that vague ≠ ambiguous ≠ subtle. Really really, at one point I thought I’d attempt to make this lippogrammatic. You know I’m failing miserably, don’t you?

Nor was the selective lippogram the entire problem. If, every time you started writing something, you said exactly the thing you didn’t want to say, wouldn’t you stop too, well wouldn’t you? Now I know what the answer probably should be, but that doesn’t mean I accept it. Jeez, can you say “denial”? All the damn time.

Even if I were able to say exactly what I want to say, do you think I would say it, well do you you? Listen, listen, listen, there are concepts, there are ideas, and there are ways of expressing them, and probably I shouldn’t even attempt to touch some of them. Funny, I thought you didn’t give a shit (but I do).