rocket to nowhere

“I’ve never had to deal with this before, so I apologize. . . .” –an unidentified caller to 911 in suburban Milwaukee, WI, after a gunman walked into a hotel church service and shot several people, killing seven.

I am amazed at how this space begs to be a confessional, how every time I sit down to post all I can think of is all I’ve been thinking of for the past, what? two months now? Fighting it becomes tiresome quickly. Not exhausting–I’m not admitting defeat this early in the game–but certainly tiresome.

I suppose the only answer is to make this the “confessional” post. Okay then. Here goes:

A thing happened. A really bad thing happened. It took me by surprise. I spent some time in shock. Then a worse thing happened. At the same time I was finding out about the worse thing, a good thing was happening. The good thing eventually turned into a better thing while the bad thing continued to fluctuate between/among bad and worse and maybe not so bad but really still quite bad and worse. The shock of the really bad thing and the worse thing started to wear off. The better thing started to fluctuate itself (as things do). The very bad and worse thing became the sad thing. The sad thing became the very sad thing. The better thing tempered/tempers the bad/worse/sad thing (which is still fluctuating (as things do)). I am still surprised sometimes by the bad/worse/sad thing. I am also surprised by the good/better thing. Fluctuations of things, besides being the thing things do, are also usually surprising. The bad thing is fluctuatingly bad. The good thing is fluctuatingly good. Life does whatever it’s going to do. Things happen. Nothing happens. All the time.

Cliches are used and used again.

Here is a list of names of “people” who have sent me mail (read: spam):

Gangrene Q. Surplice
Currycombs K. Pursued
Gearboxes S. Tasmania
Freemason A. Implausible
Miter L. Anesthetic
Keyword D. Detonate
Misogyny R. Urethrae
Drunker U. Myopia
Monoxide S. Prokofiev
Grope E. Virgo
Ostracism K. Matted
Patriarchs D. Juvenile
Respectables C. Modulates
Discomfited G. Troyes
Turfing T. Debauchery
Esmerelda B. Slothing
Luxurient P. Bent
Milliner H. Maunder
Audacity T. Hurl
Generates I. Garrison
Sprees M. Saturnalia
Limpidity J. Vibrates
Giraffes D. Possible
Fruitfulness I. Kippers
Woven C. Pleasurably
Syndrome C. Disapproval
Bellwether G. Cursed
Rehabs U. Ostrich
Hinged T. Rupture
Apollo A. Homebodies
Sugary P. Dunlap
Volgograd R. Wigner
Vulgarism F. Forty
Decanting J. Niamey
Wonderland D. Transitively
Humiliation T. Environment
Cohabit B. Bunkum
Impinging I. Dismayed
Ham G. Thoroughfares
Umbilicus U. Greenback
Danger Q. Carolina
Taunted L. Forgers
Loudest P. Braziers
Duplicating T. Lacunae
Pandora H. Sappings
Destructiveness Q. Bite
Cantankerous A. Rebroadcasting
Marinading E. Sauntered
Recessional O. Blockbuster
Bursar T. Empathizes
Periscope D. Mallory
Squish H. Swallowtail
Retake B. Apia
Aspirant L. Sill
Dyslexic C. Married
Peridontal C. Mechanizes
Requests J. Detached
Necessarily B. Mannikin
Ease Q. Pail
Aileron M. Philologist
Permafrost L. Coauthor
Bankbook H. Writhed
Wiener A. Peking
Thunderbolt M. Emphatically
Seductive U. Housecoat
Leeching L. Pendulums
Hip C. Briar
Topmost O. Paleontologist
Bricklayers D. Periwinkles
Seminary I. Runniest
Its H. Foghorns
Stuffiness Q. Abrogation
Latisha U. Crate
Bonanza Q. Whinier
Fibbing L. Mini
Poultry L. Kangaroo
Proceeds M. Rwanda
Gruesome O. Quietude
Dowel A. Sin
Pills F. Staunchest
Quantifies I. Epistle
Partaker I. Hustled
Pillow Q. Parties
Estimated H. Prospector
Treachery A. Cosy
Oddball M. Booking
Kngwarreye K. Quixotism
Thirstiest C. Haircut
Maximizer R. Choristers
Recuperates K. Grasps
Middleweight D. Congealing
Tuskegee H. Motor
Ugly O. Quasar
Providence E. Doodad
Orangutans F. Landward
Honoring J. Whitefield
Roentgen S. Mollified
Deployed C. Kalamazoo
Decay H. Phrases
Hospitality T. Steamy
Dweller P. Flatulent
Clingy H. Whites
Canaveral J. Activity
Shrinkage T. Hatter
They K. Fingering
Phantasies G. Classical
Thirtieths D. Vigilantes
Liftoffs Q. Larboard
Memorized D. Sybaritic
Kublai A. Keeled
Muddle M. Gestures
Terraces S. Stunted
Substratum R. Shuffling
Duck V. Unfairness
Luisa M. Centimeter
Remoteness H. Twitters
Influencing M. Betrays
Washer H. Appliance
Kidnapping J. Sawn
Redeveloped S. Feared
Boundary F. Dynamite
Unbelievably J. Citrous
Firebombs S. Salvatore
Hinterland O. Lusciousness
Buffaloed V. Almighty
Befogged U. Cruel
Mulch K. Cloistered
Advisable J. Instead
Vegetables H. Crawford
Carousel F. Misdeed
Capitulate E. Photosynthesis
Dysfunctions T. Comanche
Cranial B. Vilifies
Gridlock F. Paradigmatic
Tabernacles O. Football
Hearse M. Rationality
Smell B. Cruisers
Summarizing H. Mosaic
Intoxicants R. Corroborative
Terpsichore H. Benelux
Jalousie J. Coking
Acrostic K. Milker
Upsets C. Compendium
Euphemisms P. Shotgun
Secrecy R. Remanded
Licentiate R. Lamaseries
Preens I. Economists
Cortisone P. Briefness
Vastly P. Reacts
Stampeded E. Reign
Wrestling I. Undesirability
Steamboat L. Shortcuts
Grendel P. Windsors
Individualist F. Idioms
Included Q. Myles
Arousing S. Damneder
Thwarting A. Dogies
Underpass K. Louse
Fight H. Eiderdown
Slavers T. Lily
Rabelais F. Pledged
Bluenoses K. Bret
Caucasus P. Enormousness
Partake Q. Bushed
Expressiveness R. Umbel
Sabotage P. Epsilon
Beleaguering B. Abnormalities
Vessel H. Demographic
Jobber S. Deceasing
Spotty A. Symbol
Prude C. Serge
Uncritical H. Fuss
Patienter O. Savanna
Stirrups L. Rejoin
Inadvertent H. Guadalajara
Shenanigan O. Judith
Pippin H. Wasatch
Shelby J. Modifier
Sheraton H. Notoriety
Chigger H. Valuable
Autobiography I. Topological
Naturally P. Specifications
Aberrations U. Appointee
Finding K. Limit
Ayatollahs B. Molars
Regenerative K. Essaying
Surged H. Antigone
Soprano V. Beholder
Separating A. Rediscover
Medias D. Menfolk
Cameo H. Novel
Interweaving H. Rood
Misplace A. Loftiness
Skiffs D. Flipped
Subversives M. Amalgamates
Tinderboxes J. Martiza
Leaves U. Simulate
Briny T. Preciosity
Employ F. Blavatsky
Premonition D. Slavic
Jensen H. Paramount
Kroger I. Trouser
Deviltry P. Dustiness
Tactician C. Viburnum
Suspects I. Kindling
Crematorium B. Brightest
Col U. Sap
Offends D. Sarcoma
Aggravation C. Saladin
Eye K. Sociologist
Purifying L. Unhorsed
Hiccupped M. Countryman
Snickers H. Politicking
Sighing P. Artifice
Commonwealths K. Levitt
Eyepiece H. Ruptures
Calcine J. Mamma
Faithful C. Awaiting
Graphing C. Cutups
Imposter U. Fierce
Doonesbury B. Judging
Pisses T. Araguaya
Charioteered A. Mortise
Star G. Abounding
Entreaty C. Kitakyushu
Seabed D. Interpretive
Siamese O. Hosea
Avalanche E. Hierarchy
Courthouse L. Appallingly
Parroting C. Murphy
Webster J. Sassoon
Channels F. Queuing
Defames K. Arraignment
Solaced V. Airiest
Norton H. Girlhood
Falsifies R. Harbinger
Skylab Q. Teal
Conformation M. Motorboats
Americana Q. Scaramouch
Promoting P. Memorizes
Styx R. Excretion
Calculator V. Memorably
Violoncello B. Baser
Pockmark I. Pretending
Transfiguring H. Phenomenas
Bed M. Cytoplasm
Wisher J. Zeniths
Bentley V. Caretaker
Fecundity L. Appall
Diamond F. Turnips
Rescinded R. Triumvirates
Quiches S. Gingivitis
Campsite U. Indentures
Roughage M. Pursuer
Jinan I. Sagan
Kneeing C. Secluded
Inconsolable U. Pasteurize
Caged H. Sapphire
Typeface R. Gameness
Laughably J. Guile
Hangman M. Brownsville
Abridged F. Hatcheries
Lyceum H. Moist
Ornithology T. Tenfold
Stagflation Q. Indentures
Dunks S. Microsoft
Inscribe J. Scarecrows
Probably V. Openings
Gladdest B. Acrobatic
Unsightliness O. Derogating
Tiptoes H. Volvo
Weaseled K. Lilian
Pendulum B. Enveloping
Palmolive G. Retracts
Footnote I. Underexposed
Hawking V. Saboteur
Overlies Q. Lyre
Gershwin K. Blotted
Overjoys S. Disassociated
Pillaging C. Libya
Conservatively R. Thereto
Vanguard O. Pendulums
Resurrected C. Rivaled
Defoliant H. Mallow
Sharron A. Delawares
Handing U. Exported
Balusters B. Isinglass
Linseed R. Bewilders
Lander S. Fuck
Victory C. Dormant
Irrelevance H. Rend
Smoothness G. Evasions
Longhand P. Ameslan
Licensee D. Tarragon
Ecology S. Coked
Wheelchairs F. Rightfully
Rodes B. Procrastinators
Nicaragua H. Bogged
Processing D. Overages
Duchamp C. Constant
Transgress G. Periling
Payoff E. Nasal
Characterizations D. Lucite
Knuckleheads A. Lampblack
Raiments K. Womanize
Disparity U. Acid
Accusation H. Slipper
Barnabas A. Hankerings
Arty D. Botanical
Moocher H. Sorceress
Replenish U. Bivouac
Cheapest D. Reinstate
Cyclone P. Propound
Prioritizes A. Deeming
Disavow H. Surprisings
Nightmarish K. Carlton
Perceived S. Vulva
Wooziness F. Inducing
Figueroa A. Automatics
Namibia A. Investigate
Lassos M. Flynn
Simpleton O. Promulgation
Currencies I. Ganglia
Myriad R. Discernment
Consecrated K. Headphone
Conquistador I. Fold
Vaguely Q. Indirection
Fanatacism K. Diaphragms
Delve P. Nightingale
Emeritus V. Joggles
Milne A. Advertisers
Kosygin R. Exercised
Ferguson I. Lefter
Iodized U. Exit
Dizzily H. Ernie
Savanna I. Blame
Dematerialization B. Crookes
Shitty C. Irritations
Disheartening L. Spotlessly
Roadbeds F. Enigma
Sopwith J. Aver
Oxyacetylene F. Santa
Hazardous C. Overprint
Fur I. Kali
Kithed A. Diphtheria
Dispel C. Blanketing
Ochre M. Disputing
Mantle S. Flatter
Sinai S. Seismographic
Sandmen Q. Finishes
Eventide J. Trailing
Braggers B. Doorbell
Currycomb H. Fantasying
Inelegant U. Keen
Refreshing T. Allegiances
Extensive I. Plenitude
Diversities I. Ball
Nightlife L. Rawalpindi
Learns M. Antofagasta
Puzzler T. Limo
Misidentifying V. Wrongs
Nerve V. Placarded
Raul C. Ruminated
Bravo F. Mobilized
Mousier H. Dappled
Defrosts O. Litmus
Haman K. Acolyte
Jidda F. Jeeps
Muddied Q. Safflower
Break K. Summoner
Garage O. Primes
Merriam V. Unendurable
Creation S. Reapplying
Nordic G. Pierce
Trump F. Mice
Pumpkin T. Flinching
Bounder J. Traded
Belmopan G. Archer
Spasmodically F. Bloom
Shrilly H. Canker
Azalea T. Succession
Pedicured D. Picnicker
Pluckiness F. Intelligibility
Garnishee Q. Brawler
Courier H. Perk
Casey E. Frenching
Blahs R. Meyerbeer
Bandanna H. Beards
Sells H. Altercation
Chumming V. Cloverleaf
Gaggle H. Approval
Costliness S. Angus
Veldt G. Consequently
Finland C. Puritanism
Godly I. Maples
Bloated I. Okinawa
Bertha A. Abouts
Milksops I. Turbot
Engagingly H. Jazz
Debauching Q. Tangoing

—

Eventually, I will figure out what this (this blahg) is for. And when I say “what for,” I mean “what I want to do with.” Or do I? I suppose, no matter what, I’m–ah–developing content. (I whited these words out because they no longer really applied to the blog as a whole, but since they’re still applicable to the original post, I didn’t delete them.)

“The more one studies the problem, the more fascinated one becomes and incidentally the more one postulates a cerebral norm.” -Flann O’Brien

1. Type Slowly—Pavement
2. Hate To Say I Told You So—The Hives
3. Eu E Voce (Me And You)—Stan Getz

4. Make It Hot—Mirah
5. Everything’s Gone Green—New Order
6. Marching Pink Elephants—Carl Stalling
7. Once In A Lifetime—Talking Heads
8. Rock And Roll—The Velvet Underground
9. You’re Pretty Good Looking (For a Girl)—The White Stripes

10. Oh You Pretty Things—David Bowie
11. Far, Far Away—Wilco

12. Headsoak—Andrew Bird’s Bowl of Fire
13. Advice to the Graduate—Silver Jews
14. Punk Rock Girl—The Dead Milkmen
15. Paranoiattack—The Faint
16. Inca Rag/Name Game—The Fiery Furnaces
17. Natural Anthem—The Postal Service
18. Ether—Gang of Four
19. Step Right Up—Tom Waits
20. Spread—Outkast

“And he sensed percolating from the kitchen, humble, squalid, time-marking human thought, marking time in one spot, always in one spot, going round and round, in circles, as if they were dizzy but couldn’t stop. as if they were nauseated but couldn’t stop, the way we bite our nails, the way we tear off dead skin when we’re peeling, the way we scratch ourselves when we have hives, the way we toss in our beds when we can’t sleep, to give ourselves pleasure and make ourselves suffer, until we are exhausted, until we’ve taken our breath away. . . .” —Nathalie Sarraute

[see also: memos 104:110403, 108:111003, 110:111303, and especially 117:112403]

Here is an excerpt from my unfinished novel Zen Arcade:

As he was walking into the kitchen, he decided the project of building a human shell from dead skin cells was no different from the man who had decided to record every minute of his life in a diary. In Adam’s mind, the man had started out writing things like “walked from the desk to the refrigerator, poured myself a glass of milk, drank it and walked back to the desk,” but had soon realized he was leaving things out, things like picking up and opening the milk carton, placing it back in the refrigerator, and closing the refrigerator door. The realization that he was leaving some things out led to other realizations, which led to writing things like “unconsciously sent a message from my brain to my right leg, the muscles in that leg contracted to lift my leg and move it forward,” and on and on until eventually, the only thing the man would have been able to write was “I am writing the sentence I am writing right now. I am writing the sentence I am writing right now” over and over and over again until he died. Adam thought that sounded very much like eternally pushing a boulder up a hill, always up. And so the same with building a human shell one sloughed cell at a time. As soon as you had found and placed one cell, 20 more would have fallen off. His original estimate of seven years as the project’s duration had been way off. It was probably something more like seven factorial, or—once again, it was too early for math, and so he focused on making some coffee.
He was daily amazed that the coffee pot his parents had bought before he was born was still working, as he had been through at least three tape-recorders in that time, and he used the tape-recorder far less frequently than the coffee pot.
He picked the coffee pot up. He took off the lid and put it in the sink. He reached into the pot. He extracted the stem and the basket. He set the pot down. He disengaged the stem from the basket and placed it in the sink. He took the lid off the basket. He placed it in the sink. He opened the cupboard door under the right-hand side of the sink where the trash can was located. He knocked yesterday’s grounds into the trash. He placed the basket in the sink. He turned on the water. He adjusted the faucet so that the water was just a little hotter than comfortable. He rinsed the lid. He placed it in the drying rack. He rinsed the stem and placed it in the drying rack. He rinsed the basket’s lid. He put it in the drying rack. He rinsed the basket. He thought, What is today? Is today the day I wash everything with soap and water? He put the basket in the drying rack. He turned off the water. He picked up the pot again, and dumped its contents into the sink. He watched the day-old coffee as it swirled down the drain. He thought, Now certainly I have deposited skin cells onto the lid, the stem, the basket, and the basket’s lid, and those cells will get mixed into the coffee I will drink, and then. . . . I would have to strain my urine. That wouldn’t work. Of course, none of it would work. The only feasible way to perform the task of building a human shell was to be dead. If he were dead, he would no longer be sloughing off skin cells. At least, he thought, in this thought process, the boulder rolls back down the hill. He put the coffee pot under the faucet, and turned on the hot water. He filled the pot about half-way. He swished the water around in the pot. He turned the pot over and dumped the dirty water down the sink. He watched the water go down the drain. He righted the coffee pot. He turned the faucet’s handle all the way to cold. He turned the water on and filled the coffee pot up to the prescribed line. He turned the water off. He removed the pot from under the faucet, and set it back on the counter. He grabbed the stem from the drying rack. He grabbed the basket with his other hand. He placed the thin part of the stem into the receiving hole in the basket. He placed the basket-stem combination into the coffee pot. He opened the cupboard just above and to the left of the sink. He grabbed the canister of coffee. He put it on the counter. He pried off the plastic lid. He set the lid down. He reached into the canister. He grabbed the plastic measuring spoon inside of the canister and lifted. He dumped the little bit of coffee grounds in the spoon back into the canister. He liked to start with an empty spoon. He dug the spoon into the coffee, leveled the amount by wiping his finger across the top of the spoon, and dumped the coffee grounds into the basket. He dug the spoon into the coffee, leveled the amount by wiping his finger across the top of the spoon, and dumped the coffee grounds into the basket. He dug the spoon into the coffee, leveled the amount by wiping his finger across the top of the spoon, and dumped the coffee grounds into the basket. He dug the spoon into the coffee, leveled the amount by wiping his finger across the top of the spoon, and dumped the coffee grounds into the basket. He dug the spoon into the coffee, leveled the amount by wiping his finger across the top of the spoon, and dumped the coffee grounds into the basket. He dug the spoon into the coffee, leveled the amount by wiping his finger across the top of the spoon, and dumped the coffee grounds into the basket. He put the spoon back into the canister. He put the plastic lid back on the canister by pressing down all the way around the edge. He put the canister back in the cupboard. He closed the cupboard door. He grabbed the basket’s lid out of the drying rack. He fitted it over the basket. He grabbed the pot’s lid from the drying rack. He pushed it down on top of the coffee pot. He plugged the coffee pot in. He opened the cupboard he had just closed, and took down his mug. He set it next to the coffee pot. He closed the cupboard. He sat down at the kitchen table. He waited.

inaugurate vt [L inauguratus, pp. of inaugurare, lit., to practice augury, fr. in- + augurare to augur; fr. the rites connected with augury] (1606) 1: to induct into an office with suitable ceremonies 2 a: to dedicate ceremoniously: observe formally the beginning of b: to bring about the beginning of

augury n (14c) 1: divination from omens or portents or from chance events (as the fall of lots) 2: OMEN, PORTENT

***

Hello and welcome to my blog (blahg?). As of this moment, I will conveniently forget ever having said, “Never! I will never write a blog (blahg?)!” so don’t try to remind me of having said it. It never happened.

I hesitate to call this “memo2″ or “memo+” or even “memoagain,” but that’s probably not far from the truth: a daily (mostly, hopefully) writing exercise dealing with some (idiosyncratic) topic of the moment. There will, however, be three major differences: This blog (blahg?) will not be constrained by the 8.5×11 page size, this blog (blahg?) will have color images (hopefully fairly soon and fairly often), and you can comment directly on this here blog (blahg?). Much like the memo, I am going to write this as though it has an audience. Also, I will be able to do this.

Very probably the contents of this blog (blahg?) (getting tired of that yet?) will rely heavily on augury of some sort, but that shouldn’t surprise you. By the way, “augury” (besides the above) means I have no idea what I’m doing.

So hello and welcome. Come back regularly and check things out. Or syndicate/subscribe to me and be alerted to changes automatically. I’m joining the 21st century slowly but surely. Wouldn’t you like to come with me on this leetle journey?

(what the f**k does that mean?!?)